finding evidence of myself while looking for a poem
In the garden, I am the number one helper granddaughter/grandson— he’s the vegetable veteran, hands blending into the soil. My fingers clumsy and pale, the onion bulb to his roots. He follows, instructing and inspecting with as many “that a girls” as beans in my bucket; the weight driving the handle deeper into my palm.... Continue Reading →
The most limpid love I've ever been able was wasted at twelve years old. I held your hand once during Mass, but every other interaction has been me making a fool of myself. I imagined you blameless these past twenty years-- I cried when you never returned. A Valentine remembered, small compliments recorded. 'Just maybe... Continue Reading →
Once, during a drug induced hallucination, I saw the age I was going to die. To my disappointment, I was already 2 years too late. Now, when bad things happen to me, I know it's because I'm not supposed to be here.
This was never meant to be a manifesto or really anything of real importance. I saw someone post on Reddit and thought I'd do the same here. I attended private Catholic school from kindergarten through the twelfth grade. Around seventh or eighth grade, I started entertaining the idea that all the things they were forcing... Continue Reading →
When I was a small child, we would get Halloween sale catalogs in the mail and my mom would give them to me for costume ideas . Without fail, I would always pick out the bondage masks and she told me no every time without an explanation. Later in life, I’d work in a porn... Continue Reading →
Having a young mother, I had to be an old child. It’s just now hitting me how I’ve always worried about her sadness, one which she created and wove us into. I was first-- I got the most. A little friend, her child sometimes. They never spoke behind closed doors and I heard it all... Continue Reading →
Went out with a guy once--didn’t, then did again. One night at his house, I was waiting for him to get ready so we could go out drinking. We didn’t want to go downtown and were discussing other options as I walked around his room, playing with a pair of handcuffs I found hanging on... Continue Reading →
It was the night you pulled me out of bed to go find Mommy. You brought me into a bar in my pajamas, the ones with the matching doll, the ones I went to the hospital in. She was there, drinking with her friends after work, the same place you met. It was your day... Continue Reading →
When Gramma died and papers needed sorting, we found siblings in the family, generations ago, named Silence and Hazard. Last two of ten and the only ones with names that break hearts forever.
While "playing the field" on OKCupid (before I met my husband on the site), I once mistakenly invited two guys to meet me at a bar one night and they both showed up! Friends of mine, who were also in attendance, were DELIGHTED by my mishap. I went home with the cuter one.
I kept the piece with your face on it and never cleaned up the edges. I wrote “a real piece of work” at the bottom in blue Sharpie, the color of your eyes, before slipping it into the album.
Those incidents in life I pushed deep down surface before sleep and I’m reliving the day when I was 14 and pissed myself at youth group because I was laughing too hard. I tried to hide it, but I fear 20 years later, everyone knew and they still think about it every god damned day.... Continue Reading →
It was just for one night and she still wasn’t entirely sure he wanted her now. Not her, just a warm hole. What a bad idea to write about him for the second time. He never wrote about her, except that one time where he referenced her vaguely in his online journal about how ‘sex... Continue Reading →
At 13, I had pretty extensive back surgery to correct scoliosis. The scar goes from right below my shoulder blades to right above my ass crack and used to look a lot gnarlier than it does now. But, as a super skinny teen growing up in Florida, I wore short shirts and didn’t care who... Continue Reading →
2 older boys in the ball pit at Fun and Wheels when I was 4 an ex, David Gallagher, who hated me for breaking up with him the guy online (possible statutory) who I only remember his AIM screenname, seventy7stitches that hot, but gross friend of Donnie's when we all hung out that day in... Continue Reading →
You were literally the first guy I saw and honestly, all I really wanted was to have sex with you. I knew it would end the way it did because of those sideburns.
When I was a child, my daddy was my daddy. I didn't question why I had a different last name because his last name was long and hard to spell. He was from Iran. I thought I was Iranian too. When I was about 8--I think that's the age you make your First Communion--my mother... Continue Reading →
Your three-doored orange car is just as distinct as all my stickers, so I know you saw me, whether you saw the bird or not. Not my worst fear, watching you slow turn home as I turned to text him. Had I been driving, alone, and not stuffed with sushi, we could have played another... Continue Reading →
In kindergarten, I had a mortal enemy. In 7th grade, my best friend dated him and I dated his best friend--now we had to get along, but we did it in that fun “I still kind of hate you” way. All through junior high and high school, he’s the cool guy, introduced us to punk... Continue Reading →
It’s hard to recall the actual act but at least it was in a bed and not the backseat of his Firebird or in a movie theater or a friend’s house. He made sure of that. He was alright sometimes, but they all are. Sometimes. What woman hasn’t had painful intercourse?
Since they never married and he wasn’t there to argue, his line was left blank on my birth certificate; I inherited my mother’s past identity as my own. Every year, I imagine him wrestling with the feeling of having forgotten an important name and going through the alphabet letter by letter. He makes me wonder... Continue Reading →
Depression! I remember Donnie and I would refer to our respective birthdays as Birthday Shit Fest followed by whatever year it was-- and it would happen every year--we'd make big plans and get let down. Each following year, the plans would get less excessive to ensure success. Then there was the year Donnie stood me... Continue Reading →
Fred (guinea pig) Ricky (bird) Petey (bird) Philip (turtle) Jasmine (hamster) Aloyisius (rat) Splinter (rat) Ozzy (mouse) Lydia (cat) Lady (dalmatian) Nico (husky) Abby (beagle) Stella (bulldog)
I was best friends with this girl in kindergarten. In the first grade, she started bullying me. She'd corner me in areas of the classroom where the teacher couldn't see and guilt-pressure me into giving her my snack everyday. I was very shy and she was becoming an aggressive queen-bee. I told her to leave... Continue Reading →
Today I got kicked out of my (very small) city's Facebook group after a bunch of angry women reprimanded me like a child. I mistakenly had tried to start a conversation as a comment to a woman's recommendation for a place to get your infant's ears pierced cheaply and easily. I merely said "Or you... Continue Reading →
When I was either 19 or 20, I was walking around a Circuit City with my best friend as he looked for a CD. He was taking far too long and I was getting bored, so I went outside to smoke a cigarette. While lurking in the shadows, a dude comes up to me and... Continue Reading →
by Maggie Fox, Health and Science correspondent Washington (Reuters) Poets die young--younger than novelists, playwrights, and other writers, a U.S. researcher said on Wednesday. "It could be because poets are tortured and prone to self-destruction, or it could be that poets become famous young, so their early deaths are noticed," said James Kaufman of the learning research institute... Continue Reading →